- Situations of this nature, he claimed, can easily catapult him into the realm of wordsmithing, where he can metaphorically and hyperbolically find Elixir, Comfort, and Caramel in the innocuous and vacuous concoction of high sounding bombastic words stringed and waxed together in perfect union.
A Fourth Circuit of the Accra High Court, presided over by Her Honor, Justica Evangelina Naa Ganyobi Shooyo Kwatiorkor Quartey, aka ‘mother to all’, has dismissed a lawsuit brought before her by Messrs. Aloysius Kwamina Broniba Engman, and Ulysses Efo Koku Yevuviga with DSAG and CPAG respectively, against one Mr. Marricke Kofi Gane.
Responding to feeble-assed attempts that employed cunningly-veiled, prickly and flowery words, the barbs of which a rose flower has all the earthy right to be covetous of, that were summarily aimed at executing his mentoring capacities, as a result of an ex-mentee of his, ‘Lady with the heart of Gold’ openly planting a biting comment on the Facebook wall of his identical twin brother from different parents, ‘The man with the Aces’, that read in part:
“I never thought… You have everything your wife has. I know you are smart enough to see that your wife does not use her vagina to cook or order food. And when it comes to strength... Think about it.”
In defending his mentoring capacities, Mr. Gane wrote in part:
“I do not stand for any behavior warped in hyperbolically diabetic insults and caramelised vulgarities, whether you have ever been my mentee or…”
Consequently, Messrs. Engleman, and Yevuviga, who felt Mr. Gane’s words not only violated the sanity of their respective organizations, but also posed a camouflaged and immediate existential threat to its members and their activities, decided to sue the latter for an undisclosed amount.
Reasons for suing
Putting their reason for suing succinctly before Her Honor, Mr. Engleman, with the Diabetes Sufferers Association of Ghana (DSAG), noted that given the secrecy that Ghanaians generally like to envelop issues pertaining to their health in, he was worried that people with diabetes may take the bola hyperbola connoted and attached to the phrase ‘diabetic insults’ on face value, and possibly deem diabetes as something shameful to have. A result, Mr. Engleman pointed out might compel people to live in their diabetic shell to the detriment of their health. Upon further questioning, Mr. Engleman had wanted to give testimony with instances in which some of the country’s past and present political leaders had chosen to keep their ailments hush-hush, rather than charting the exemplary path of sharing with the aim of chirping away at the secrecy thing. The judge, however, noting that that example was neither here nor there, shut him down.
On his part, Mr. Yevuviga, with the Caramel Producers Association of Ghana (CPAG), referenced recent sermons being preached in the Land of Gold by the health authorities, advising the general public to refrain from an over indulgence in sugar consumption, and most, if not all things sugar. Taking cognizance of the religious zeal of the inhabitants of the Land of Gold, he pointed out that lacing the word caramel, which is the mainstay of his Association with vulgar can seriously have the unintended consequences of driving away consumers from all things caramel, as people advertently or inadvertently sought to stay holy, and away from vulgar things. He pointed out that the combination of the health and religious aspect of things can lead to a double-edged duel, in which caramel may not survive.
Seeking to expand his views further, he noted the concomitant effect this can have on the country’s burgeoning sugar industry, especially as the New Patriotic Party (NPP) government seeks to resurrect the Komenda Sugar Factory from its current National Democratic Congress (NDC) pitiful shell, with the belief that at its most hallucinatory peak, it has the possibility of employing 745,000 people, if not more.
Response from Mr. Marricke K. Gane
Responding to questions from Her Honor, Mr. Gane, an opinionated dilettante of the law, who chose to speak for himself, rather than allow his crafty procurator of a twin brother, the ‘Man with the Aces’, to speak on his behalf, pointed out that he had no malicious intent, and that he felt encumbered and flummoxed by the oblique potshots dipped in caramel niceties, especially when his relationship to both was fulcrumized. Situations of this nature, he claimed, can easily catapult him into the realm of wordsmithing, where he can metaphorically and hyperbolically find Elixir, Comfort, and Caramel in the innocuous and vacuous concoction of high sounding bombastic words stringed and waxed together in perfect union.
Judge Justica Evangelina Naa Ganyobi Shooyo Kwatiorkor Quartey's response
Dismissing the suit, Judge Evangelina Quartey noted the lack of empirical evidence from the complainants to back their lawsuit. She stated that the suit can at best be described as:
“Over-excessively sugary, whimsical, fanciful, frivololical, and unmeritorious”, adding that Mr. Gane’s wordy spiel was not aimed at their respective organizations.
She blamed the arranged teleportation nonappearance in the courtroom of the ‘Lady with the heart of Gold’, whose presence she had requested for; just in case, on the incapacity of the Chief IT Officer of the court, who said that invoking the five-hour time difference between the Land of Gold, and the abode of the ‘Lady with the heart of Gold’, can end up irrevocably leaving his antiquated computer technology system permanently behind by five hours.
Shedding off her judicial paraphernalia and morphing into her usual out-of-court, street-smart self, the avuncular Judge noted that she is not nicknamed ‘mother of all’ for nothing, or solely because of the numerosity of her grandchildren, but because of the par excellence worldly advice she rolls out on a daily basis to those whose auditory capacities are cerumen-free.
She then proceeded to advise that living in a large compound house, such as Facebook, comes with its attendant problems, as some people are just busybodies with okro-mouths and okro-fingers, who constantly pontolize their proboscis into the muck of others without fear or favor.
She therefore called for the use of partitions, curtains, and the planting of hedges such as prison-corn, bougainvillea, roses, and more to ward off tattletales and slippery-fingered neighbors.
Referencing the current abode of the ‘Lady with the heart of Gold’, and taking cognizance of her own chiromancy and astronomy skills, Judge Evangelina Quartey noted the unusually cold winter in that part of the world, which she said can on occasion lead to something called odjoro in her native Ga language, and is called affluvia in the English language, (sans spelling variation in the English language) for some who live in cold regions, and are working on getting acclimatized to the season.
Reminiscing her early school days around the cold Akuapim area in the Eastern Region of the Land of Gold with pride, she said, “Affluvia was something that bothered many a student on cold early mornings then.” According to her, warmth, relaxation, and the sun are usually good cures.
Talking to myghanalinks.com reporter, Abena Alice, at the end of proceedings, Messrs. Aloysius Kwamina Broniba Engleman, and Ulysses Efo Koku Yevuviga, who were somewhat disconcerted by the ruling, said they suspected a triumvirately orchestrated concerto due to the procuratorial ties between the Judge, the 'Man with the Aces' who is a procurator by trade, and the 'Lady with the heart of Gold' who is an aspiring procurator in the making.
They, however, promised to abide by the ruling.
Disclosure: This odd news report is just a parody, it is not aimed at fanning the flames, and is written with no malice intended. There is also no consideration of a lawsuit against Mr. Gane from the referenced non-existent organizations.