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DEAR SUGAR,

Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. I hope you're swimming in the wonderful pool of Mr. Health there. I am also perambulating in the cool breeze wellness here.

Sweetie pie, the reason why this miraculous thing is happening is because, honey, I love you spontaneously, and as I stand horizontally parallel to the wall and vertically perpendicular to the ground now, I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous girl put together as fantabulous.

Darling, please stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves a rat.

To me each day I start by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly halts and my peristalsis goes in reverse gear. My medulla oblongata also ceases functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would prostrate. That's why I need to see you vis a vis soon for a better elucidation through tete a tete. No hyperbole & onomatopoeia, simple candidness.

I think I have to pen off here, because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization.

Catch you later.

Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs bite you because you are too sweet for them.

Goodbye for now.

Your slave in love,

Sir Landy.

Bovi-Ugboma-Akpos

Akpos who was a houseboy usually sneaks into his Oga’s room, drinks his wine and adds water to top it up. One day his Oga bought a new wine called Pasties, it was a french wine that changes colour if water is added to it. Akpos unaware of this, sneaks into his Oga’s room, drank the new wine and added water to it. Immediately it started changing colour.

AKPOS: I am in trouble, big trouble.

He ran to the kitchen. Meanwhile, Oga and Madam were seated in the parlour, while Akpos was in the kitchen.

OGA: Akpos

AKPOS: Oga

OGA: Who drank my Pasties?

No answer!

OGA: Akpos, who drank my pasties?

No answer. Oga walked to the kitchen and saw Akpos there.

OGA: Are you insane or what? Why when I call, you say “Oga” but when i ask you a question you don’t answer me.

AKPOS: Oga when you are in the kitchen you don’t understand anything, except your name.

OGA: Is that so? Okay go to the parlour, stand beside Madam and ask me a question while I stand here.

Akpos went and did what Oga said.

AKPOS: Ogaaaaaa

OGA: Yes Akpos

AKPOS: Who goes into the maid’s bedroom when Madam is not at home?

No answer!

AKPOS: Ogaaaaaa!!! You dey hear me, I say who dey sneak enter the house girl room when madam no dey house.

No answer. Oga runs out of the kitchen.

OGA: Wonders shall never end. Akpos, it is true o, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one’s name.

MADAM: That’s not true. It’s a lie.

AKPOS: Madam, do you want to be tested?

MADAM: Yes

AKPOS: Oya enter the kitchen.

She enters.

AKPOS: Madam

MADAM: Yes Akpos!

AKPOS: Who is Junior’s biological Father? Me or Oga?

Madam rushed out of the kitchen.

MADAM: This kitchen needs to be fumigated o, I can’t understand anything at all.

Oga walks away slowly nodding his head.

Credit: G. K. Mude

The Japanese invented a machine to catch thieves and took it out to different countries for testing.

In the USA it caught 30 thieves within a minute, In UK it caught 500 thieves within 30 minutes, in Spain it caught 30 thieves within 20 minutes, in Nigeria it caught 5000 thieves within 10 minutes, in Uganda it caught 20,000 thieves within 5 minutes and in Ghana the machine was stolen within 5minutes.

Credit – MRE

A mentally challenged man arrived home one afternoon and met a thief making away with his broken 14 inch prized flat screen TV set that he had stuffed with old magazines and newspapers.

The thief sensing danger quickly took off with the TV, the mentally challenged looked around the room and picked up a small item and then took off after the thief.

Both men run as fast as they could, the thief eventually got exhausted and stopped and the man caught up to him.

Fool, said the mentally challenged man, look at how hard you made me run, all because you left the remote behind, here, take it with you!!