"Will you have this woman to be your wife, to live together in holy marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health, and FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, be FAITHFUL to her as long as you both shall live?" asked the pastor."YES, I WILL" said the man.
The husband then goes a step further to pledge a solemn vow:
"I, (.... Man's name ...) take you, (... Woman's name ...) to be my wife, to live together in holy marriage; to have and to hold from this day forward. For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer... In sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
Many of us have said THINGS in the name of GOD, as vows - to our significant others, on our wedding days. But the thing is, there are many disturbing truths. To me, the most disturbing is how the actual thing (MARRIAGE) is so vastly different than anything it's purported to be.
From the numerous surveys and chats I have done and had with/on married couples, it has become clear that, MARRIAGE is not all about unconditional love.
There is hate. Resentment. There is bitterness, isolation, betrayal and pain. A lot of men don't feel love for their wives 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
There are times when a man cannot access his love. Sometimes, it's marriage - not love - that keeps him married.
Marriage doesn't fill the cracks and make a man complete. It's not what a man is missing in life. It's not the fulfillment of his true self. Marriage doesn't do anything; it - perhaps - allows men to do things.
Marriage is not enough. It is not a signal of success or achievement to the world. Marriage can be a bad thing. But, it can also be a good thing.
Marriage endures beyond lies, beyond broken trust, broken dreams - if you want it to, it can. Marriages - good marriages, ones that work - must exist in dark spaces too, not just the light.
Marriage has no baselines.
With a few exceptions, there is no standard of what is good, normal, acceptable, and what is not. No one can tell you what to do with it, about it, it is entirely your responsibility to manage your marriage. There is no perfect manual, so don't seek one.
Your marriage, should be bigger than you. Bigger than both of you. It's a responsibility, a commitment, a power, and profound intimacy. Ensuring you are seen, witnessed and bound to another before you expire.
It's survey nine (9), and just as before, I advertised on my Facebook, seeking 50 married men, who have never cheated on their wives - since marriage, to inbox me with their testimonies of how they managed to stay faithful. It's over four days now, and I have only 10 responding: T. E. N (10)!
For the purposes of this survey, the following abbreviations means this: (i) MF/DF = (Married For/Dated For) (ii) BFF = (Been Faithful For) (iii) Occ = (Occupation)
"I have always valued faithfulness, so it was my intent to be faithful to my wife. I avoided temptations early, because when you're in a hotel room with that other woman, that's already too late. In my 34 years of marriage, there were moments of temptation. But no follow-up.
I managed to stay faithful also because, I was always thinking about how I would ever explain/apologize to my wife, whom I love, for having cheated on her. The thought of ever hurting her alone, tended to make any momentary mental hard-on go soft.
All I'm trying to say is, I have respect for the mother of my children, who also happens to be the woman, who gives my heart smiles."
(Age: 61. MF: 34 years. BFF: 34 years. Occ: Chemist.)
"As crass as it sounds - I masturbate. The drive for me to cheat decreases astronomically once I have ejaculated. Anytime I have an opportunity to cheat but do not want to, that's what I do. It solves my horniness 90% of the time.
If I just happen to still desperately want the other girl right after I've masturbated, then it probably could mean, I want her really that badly, and the problem would be more than just to want to sleep with her. Most men would cheat when they prefer Lust over Love."
(Age: 47. MF: 11 years. BFF: 11 years. Occ: Teacher.)
"I have a LOT of SEX with my wife. It's easier to turn down the Jollof Rice sold outside, if you've just had a bowl of Fufu and groundnut soup, with every imaginable fish and meat in it - at home."
(Age: 39. MF: 6 years. BFF: 9 years. Occ: Engineer.)
"I've been working from home for more than half my married life. I think, that, probably is the reason I have been able to avoid temptation. I see my wife in my face anytime I wanna f**k."
(Age: 35. MF: 4 years. BFF: 5 years. Occ: Programmer.)
"I've had a few close calls, particularly since I was in a position of wealth, power and influence at relatively young age (my late 20’s and 30s). I’m also not bad looking. I think, power is the greatest aphrodisiac, at least for some women.
In addition to running companies and working with many very attractive women, both mentally and physically, I was often gone for weeks on business trips around the world. Add to this the fact that my libido is much stronger than my wife’s and always has been.
She’s happy with sex twice a week and I’d do it a couple times a day if I could – at least before I turn 60. Otherwise, our sex life is great and has not dulled over the course of our marriage (at least for me - actually, it did for my wife for a few years right after we had kids, which is normal). We are both playful and experimental and generally keep the sex lively.
My wife has always been aware of my greater libido, our only area of sexual incompatibility, and often has sex with me even when she isn’t in the mood because she knows I need it more and it pleases her to please me. But I don’t like to take advantage of this and sex is not as satisfying under those circumstances when I can’t pleasure her as much in return.
So since I have a libido mismatch, I decided to masturbate frequently enough to relieve the stress so long as it does not diminish my desire for sex with my wife, i.e., to meet her libido. My wife knows and approves of this as well as the fact I use porn to facilitate this most efficiently.
It is my experience that many husbands do not feel they can be honest with their wives about this, often for good reason, because many wives feel threatened by porn. In most cases, they shouldn’t, as long as the porn/masturbation does not interfere with normal sex.
If you can’t at least have an open and frank conversation about this with love, care and honesty instead of respite and judgment, then that is a sign you have deeper issues to work on in your marriage - that will only make you more susceptible to cheating.
My wife knows I have no feelings for the female images I masturbate to nor does she feel insecure that her breasts might be smaller or her butt bigger than those women. I am lucky that my wife, unlike others, does not have jealousy and body-image problems that render her insecure about my deep attraction to her. She knows I am very attracted to her body just the way it is."
(Age: 57. MF: 25 years. BFF: 28 years. Occ: Entrepreneur.)
"I told my wife that I've cheated on everyone before her and I really don't want to do it again. But, I need help with that. So we talk. A lot. And have a LOT of SEX. She makes sure she does not deny me sex, anytime I make the move."
(Age: 34. MF: 3 years. BFF: 4 years. Occ: Banker.)
"I masturbate a lot. It helps, but it isn’t enough. I recognized my predicament and weaknesses earlier in marriage, and understood the scenarios where I would be susceptible by fantasizing about them in a kind of 'ritualized' manner.
If I find myself in social circumstances whereby I am likely to be unavoidably in repeated contact with women I find deeply attractive, I FANTASIZE about everything, including having sex with the woman, sneaking around, possibly courting her, telling my wife, or my wife inadvertently finding out, and sometimes even taking a bizarre pleasure and simultaneous horror in how the news would crush her, divorcing her, and even marrying the other woman, etc.
These fantasies could cover hours sometimes, repeated over many days and scenarios in some cases. One thing I NEVER do during these fantasies is to masturbate to them or pretend my wife was that person during sex. Not only do I feel that would cross a line but I also sense it would destroy the effectiveness of my fantasy ritual.
Somehow, just fantasizing about these potential temptresses usually takes my real desire to cheat away (about 90% of the time). But if I ever felt that it wasn't extinguished and I knew circumstances might thrust me into a compromising situation, I always discussed it openly with my wife. The first time I did this (in my 20s) I was extremely scared but my wife was very open, loving and understanding about it. With possibly only one exception such discussions always extinguished my interest to cheat.
The one time I almost caved in occurred under a “perfect weather” of temptation. It involved a stunning (model quality), brilliant female consultant to one of our companies with whom I’d had a professional relationship for over four years. I had always adored her personality and found her very sexy but we had never gone beyond innocent flirtation with each other.
I had fantasized about her in the past and didn’t consider her an immediate “threat” anymore. Anyway, one night (I stayed late for work) I heard screaming in the parking lot, called the security, then ran out to help. I discovered the woman’s car was being rammed by an Ex-boyfriend, with her in it and as I approached to help, he tried to smash her window to get her out. As I got closer he charged at me but he lost his footing just as I threw a lucky punch that knocked him out.
What followed was a 3 hour ordeal of waiting for her to get out of the shock, going to the police station to make a report, and finally driving her home (I also told my wife what had happened and she encouraged me to help the woman and take her home, even though she already knew I found her sexy).
During that time I learned about all the tribulations she’d been through and at one point, we both cried. I tried to console her simply as a friend and she treated me like her knight in shining armor due to the rescue. Did I mention I’m a sucker for a pretty lady in distress? Anyway, when I got her home she begged me to come in and sit with her awhile and have hot tea - as she still felt frightened and it seemed quite genuine. I told her I had to go, we hugged, and then I walked back to the car as she closed the door. But I could hear her start sobbing, so I went back to console her. Big mistake.
There were about 30 minutes of consolation and a few seemingly innocent hugs. But at one point she may have sensed an unexpected budding hard-on I was not able to fully suppress. Right after she put the hot tea on the table, she pushed me down on the couch, lifted off her blouse and bra in two tugs exposing gorgeous breasts and jumped on top of me kissing me all over and trying to undo my pants. I did kiss back and my hard-on popped though my zipper as she pulled it down her throat so fast - I could barely sense time.
We both took my shirt off and she removed the rest of her clothes (revealing the most amazing body I’ve ever seen) and pulled me tight to her as we kissed. As we tightly embraced, anticipating coitus, all of a sudden all the fantasies started replaying in my head. I saw all the pain and the pleasure in one fell swoop. I even re-experienced some other lady-in-distress fantasies I’d had before (but involving different women). I just sort of froze and my eyes must have went blank or glazed over for how long I don’t know. I still remember her looking into my eyes at that moment and then she collapsed on the floor and started crying and apologizing for what she had done.
I told her not to be ashamed – that she had experienced a trauma, it was late (about 12 AM), and I was equally at fault. Then I put my clothes back on and left. Three weeks later, she moved out of Accra, and we never spoke again. I told my wife the next evening that something almost happened but didn’t – and would never. I told her I’d tell her the details if she wanted to know but she put her hand over my mouth and said,
“It's not necessary. If you tell me, as your eyes do, that I can trust you and that there isn’t anything more to worry about, that’s enough.”
I nodded and that was it – until we reminisced on it briefly last year.
I honestly think 99+% of men with a healthy libido would have succumbed under similar circumstances and I know I would have if I had not practiced my fantasy rituals over several years. Like I said, this worked for me."
"Age: 41. MF: 10 years. BFF: 12 years. Occ: Lawyer.)
"I am a man that does not have casual sex. It is not because I am morally opposed; it is simply not a situation that I have ever found myself in. All of my sex has come from relationships.
From this viewpoint, to me, sex is a direct benefit of maintaining a good relationship. This isn't my upper brain trying to make my lower brain shut up; I literally have little desire to have sex with other women when I am in a committed relationship, because after years of conditioning, my brain has been trained to associate monogamy with actually getting laid. That is how come I have never cheated on my wife."
"Age: 38. MF: 7 years. BFF: 9 years. Occ: Consultant.)
"When I was saying my vows, I was not promising my wife. I was vowing to God, and I fear God; so honoring my vows isn't really that a 'big' deal for me. Any time I feel like flirting with other women, on phone, whatsapp or Facebook, I imagine the presence of God, being everywhere, seeing everything I do, hearing everything I say, be it in the secret or open.
The thought of Him (God) monitoring my every thought or action, keeps me in check.
If I just happen to make mistakes, I make them as few as possible and as early as possible in my life. If a girl becomes a little pushy with me, I cool down the situation. I mention my wife's name again and again. If that doesn’t work, I am explicit and I take my distance."
(Age: 45. MF: 13 years. BFF: 15 years. Occ: Into construction.)
"I started easy. I started by practicing: being faithful today, the following week, the month (s) ahead, and I was surprised how easier it got. Faithfulness, I believe is a muscle.
If I am in a tempting situation and my wife isn’t around, I take care of the urge myself. I always feel much relieved afterwards; instead of chasing after girls, I get busy with something inspiring: a business plan, extreme sports, spend time with the kids, anything that gets me excited.
I am also constantly reminded of the existence of my amazing wife: I put some pictures of her in my wallet, on the lock and welcome screen of my smartphone, in my room, on my Facebook profile and albums.
I changed my Facebook profile to “married”. When people (especially ladies) ask about my relationship status, I just say I have a wife! You’d be surprised at how easy that is. And this has eliminated many temptation possibilities.
I try very much to stay busy and be involved in my family and house chores."
(Age: 40. MF: 9 years. BFF: 9 years. Occ: Administrative manager.) True love exists. True love can be unconditional. Someone who feels true love for another will continue to love them regardless of what they do.
People are, of course, imperfect, so they make mistakes, and hurt others' feelings. Some people feel betrayed. However, in the case of true love, a person who feels sadness, anger, or betrayal will try to work through the circumstance with the other person.
One person can show true love while the other does not. True love does not have to be reciprocal.
David Papa Bondze - Mbir (2016)
I Can Not Cheat On My Wife
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